Pain

"One of the infant class I am

With little, easy lessons, set

In a great book; the higher class

Have harder ones than I, and yet

I find mine hard, and can't restrain

My tears while studying thus with Pain"

I had to go to hospital today, after a couple of days of worrying about the increasing pain in my chest and ribcage. My doctor had told me she was concerned about a blood clot in my lung which was a terrifying thought. 

Luckily it isn't a blood clot. It's pleurisy. I say 'luckily' because even though it hurts like hell, there were people there today who will have 'harder lessons than I'. Hospitals are so filled with pain it is palpable; but if this year has taught me anything its that it undoubtedly goes hand in hand with love. To quote a couple more stanzas from my childhood favourite...

There are two Teachers in the school,

One has a gentle voice and low,

And smiles upon her scholars, as

She softly passes to and fro.

Her name is Love; 'tis very plain

She shuns the sharper teacher, Pain.

Or so I sometimes think; and then,

At other times, they meet and kiss,

And look so strangely like, that I

Am puzzled to tell how it is,

Or whence the change which makes it vain

To guess if it be--Love or Pain.

(from 'What Katy Did' - Susan M Coolidge)

Blessed Samhain

or

Happy Hallowe'en

or (for those of you who follow the Wheel of the Year)

Happy New Year's Eve!

Samhain marks the last turn of the wheel - the final harvest and the dying of the year. The ends of the crops have been gathered, the light is leaving those of us in the Northern Hemisphere and the time for spiritual 'hibernation' is upon us. Long, dark and cold nights wait on the other side of this eve.

However, it is not a time to be sad; rather to celebrate the achievements of the year just past and to honour the earth for the fruits it has provided for us over the summer months. Sitting opposite Beltane (the festival of light and fertility) on the wheel, Samhain marks the contradictory forces of darkness and death. Said to fall at the time when the veil between this earthly world and the Otherworld is at its thinnest, the feast of Samhain traditionally also honours the dead and is a night for remembering ancestors and loved ones who have left us. It is tradition to set a place for those absent friends at the table before enjoying a Samhain meal. 

Some people celebrate Samhain with a ritual to mark the passing of the old year and these rituals are as varied as the individuals who celebrate the festival. You could create a representative 'wheel of the year' with symbolic markers for the sabbats and burn it to mark the end of the year. 

These pictures show an edible version of this ritual: a sabbat cake! Each sabbat is marked on the cake with a leaf, flower or seed which reflects the season - we have a miniature eggshell for Ostara, a holly leaf for Yule and a lavendar sprig for the first harvest of Lammas, for example. Samhain here is shown by an autumn leaf. Instead of being burned, the wheel of the year will be gobbled up!

This year will be the first in a long time that I will celebrate Samhain alone - although I did have family to share an early feast of pumpkin curry with yesterday (more on that recipe to come, I feel). Traditionally I carve my pumpkin and let the light shine like a miniature beacon in the window, to guide the way for spirits; warm a pot of mulled cider and complete a small ritual which acknowledges the year past and sets forth my hopes for the year to come. Tonight I will be quietly contemplating everything that this toughest of years has brought to my family and honouring my dad, so recently passed, with a simple prayer. 

Brightest blessings to you all.

Summer is drawing to a close..

...and I am making the most of the late harvests in the garden.

I have sweet tomatoes...

...a veritable jungle of runner beans climbing my wall...

...an abundance of peppery rocket in my tub...

...and lots of spinach and beetroot too.

I'm so thankful for these rewards for my first efforts with my little garden.

I have now watched the seasons turn full circle in this place where I came to rest. It is lovely to see the difference from this time last year, when the soil looked barren and empty as we moved into autumn.

Now, as the days draw in and the mornings are spiked with an autumnal chill, I am warmed by the knowledge that I have made things work in this past year. My garden, my job, my relationship have all been fruitful and these thoughts are the store which will keep me going through winter. 

A little holiday

The reason I have been absent from the blogosphere over the past couple of weeks...

B and I have been enjoying the delights of Cornwall. 

I shall be back tomorrow with a 'proper' post. 

I have missed writing and peeking into my favourite blog-world windows. 

Blessings to you all.

A New Arrival

One of the reasons I have been a bit quiet on the blog front over the past couple of weeks is this little munchkin...

Meet Sydney - the newest member of our family!

Sydney was one of a small litter that a friend's cat had three months ago. As they needed homes, my Mum decided to take one in, hoping she would be a companion for our cat Cleo, who has been on her own for about six months now.

Step by small step they are getting used to each other and while I was at home visiting, as I'm sure you can imagine, much of my time was taken up playing with both cat and kitten.

After all, who could resist that little face?

Even when it cheekily sticks out a tiny tongue!

A new moon, an eclipse and a reflection...

Yesterday's total eclipse of the sun was only visible for those in the South Pacific and yet it was on my mind for much of the day. 

Like the ouroboros serpent - with its tail in its mouth - the new moon eclipse brought a renewed sense of the self-reflexivity and cyclical nature embedded within everything we do. 

 This time last year I was celebrating finishing my teacher training with a trip to Geneva and was vividly aware, as I acknowledged the eclipse falling while sailing on the lake, that it would bring great change to my life.

A year later and I am about to celebrate my first anniversary with B, a time tinged with sadness as it carries with it the memory of first learning that my Dad was ill. Two events coincided in my life with that eclipse and yet I believe with my whole heart that they are far from 'coincidence'. B was led into my life at a moment when the gods knew I would need him most; and so my dad could see how happy I was before he left this world.

So, yesterday's eclipse led me to a reflection on how much has changed in my life over the course of just twelve moons and where I am standing right now.

The last new moon which eclipsed the sun was six months ago and I marked it with this blog's inception.

And here I am...still writing, taking more photographs than ever (which my dad would be thrilled about) and enjoying the small rewards that each day provides me. 

Today I celebrate...

Having successfully completed my first year of teaching.

Finding a home.

Eating food that I have grown in the garden.

Loving a man for all the right reasons.

Standing on the doorstep to my future.

Ouch!

Today, while carrying a somewhat heavy box of my kids' books to be marked, this happened...

Down a step I step, straight onto one laptop charger. Over on my foot I go with all my weight, plus that of thirty-odd books.  Crunch goes my foot. Green goes my face and I collapse on the floor. 

OWWWW!

Thankfully I have a wonderful boy who knows first-aid and can lift me like I weigh no more than a feather. 

I wonder what the kids will say when they see me hop in with crutches on Monday...

An Emo Moment

Today I feel a little bit lost. 

My head aches, I feel tired and on-edge and I seem to be experiencing the full carousel of emotions in exhausting rotation. And I wonder. I can't quite figure out why the past couple of days have left me feeling so bad. 

And then I remember...

The sky is dark again.

I often do find this time of the month challenging; the waning moon seems to affect me strongly and I'm not the best company to be around. 

And then I feel horribly guilty. When I think of the people around me who are affected by my mood, I want to take back every snappish word...

...every stubborn silence...

...and blow away all the dark clouds. 

Because really I am blessed that they are in my life.

At this point last month, as we watched my father fade away with the moon, they were there and they made it bearable.

So this new moon, I will be focussing my energies on diminishing negative thoughts... 

...and focussing on the good stuff. 

Blessings and love.
With thanks to Pon and Zi.

Journeys

I have struggled to find words of my own throughout this toughest of weeks. My dear dad departed this world, taking another path to continue his journey. 

Myself and my family watched and waited, praying for him to find peace. Each moment of our day became another step closer to a new, alien life; every word spoken was another emotion experienced. We have all grown and changed within this short time. 

Seeing a loved one battle with an illness which robbed them of the ability to experience life as they once did makes my future path all the more clear. I shall no longer put off those things I want to do; I don't want to say they can wait another year. Life is for living and precious little time we have to do it. 

I will spend more time with my family.

I will enjoy my happy, healthy relationship.

I will make the effort to be creative and express my thoughts.

I will find the time to relax and nurture myself.

I will love with my whole heart.

Loss

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, 

answer that the flower withers, 

but the seed remains  ~ Kahlil Gibran.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight
~ Rossiter Worthington Raymond.

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven 

where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us 

to let us know they are happy  ~ Author Unknown.

Home

I'd been looking for it for years...

Finally found it, right here.

'A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.'

A love letter

Dearest B,

A small selection from the multitude of reasons why I love you...

Ahem.

One. You don’t think I’m insane for believing what I believe in. You understand what I mean when I say, ‘I’m a witch’.

Two. You nurture my creativity and inspire me to write. This blog would still be a zygote without your encouragement.

Three. You empathise with children.

Four. You take time out of your day to talk about my work with me.

Five. Your thoughtfulness and consideration: for me, for your family and friends and for the wonder of everyday things around you.

Thank you for my surprise treats today.  xx

Secret Buddy

I am the type of person who enjoys giving gifts. I love choosing them, making them and wrapping them decoratively.

These beautiful ribbons caught my eye when browsing at my local garden centre and, in all honesty, they are lovely enough to be a gift themselves rather than just the wrapping. They brought to mind an idea that I recently introduced at my school; an idea that has its roots in the joy of selfless giving.

Towards the end of last term, my faculty at school was experiencing quite a bit of change which made for an uneasy atmosphere with several people seeming worried, stressed and sad. First and foremost, I dislike seeing anyone upset or gloomy so I wanted to do something to bring a little cheer back into our workplace. I also firmly believe that we are more productive, creative and inspired in our teaching if we are happy and supporting each other.

With this in mind, I set about arranging a little system by which we could all look after each other. I invited everyone to fill in a form which looked like this...

...fold it up and put it into a box. The idea is that everyone draws out someone’s piece of paper in secret and then has to ‘treat’ that person, using their list of favourite things as a guide. If at any time they think that person is feeling down, having a difficult week or just wants to make them smile, they buy them a little gift and anonymously leave it in their pigeon-hole or on their desk at work.

Already it has sparked everyone’s enthusiasm, with people giving and receiving all manner of thoughtful treats.  I am a ‘buddy’ for a member of our faculty who works in an office with no window. I thought she would like some tulips, much like these, as she cannot see the spring blooming from her workspace. 

There’s little in the world more satisfying than knowing you have brought a smile to someone’s face. 

Simple pleasures

After a day spent spring cleaning, crafting and pottering around the house, this is what I would love to be doing.

Sadly my partner in crime and scrabble is away this evening and I don’t quite feel desperate enough (yet) to play against myself. 

B thinks that I love playing scrabble with him because I win every time. However, this is not quite the case. I enjoy our games so much because they symbolise a connection. Not only are we having fun creating memories together; we are also interacting, chatting and thinking.

Chaucer used the 'game of chess' as an allegory for love, but I think scrabble fits equally well. We anticipate each others' moves, think carefully about what the other person has written and respond accordingly - sometimes having to compromise. I'm not suggesting either of us is out to 'win' in our relationship but I like the fact that this particular game struggles to work without equal participation. If one of us does not put down good words, the other has difficulty playing as a result and the web of letters fails to grow.

Tonight, however, as I just have my radio for company and a glass of wine, it’s time to delve into a good book instead. These are simple pleasures that I feel moderately less guilty than normal revelling in – it is half-term after all. Bliss. 

Love

I don’t normally do anything to mark Valentine’s Day; I don’t think demonstrations of love and affection are something we should feel cajoled into by people around us – particularly now that they seem to be defined by spending excessive amounts of money on meaningless gifts.  I am aware that I am beginning to sound like Scrooge so I hope the following will provide better explanation...

In a particularly artistic moment earlier this week, I felt that I wanted to take the time to make something special for my ‘someone special’. This was an organic impulse, sprouting from the simple desire to make him smile and put to work the creative spark which has been squashed beneath mountains of coursework marking, assessments and planning over recent weeks.  

The resulting gift is simple and cost nothing but the materials I already had in my craft box yet I hope it demonstrates my feelings.  I wanted to give him something which had careful thought and personal touch put into it and was created out of a love I feel on any given day, rather than when there is external pressure to show it. 

Holly

Sadly our beautiful, curious little girl has left us this week. At only 18 months old this seems unjust and I am sad for the little hole she will leave in my family's home and for the little sister she leaves behind. 

After hearing the news, my partner sent such a sweet thought my way:

'I'm sending my energy to little Holly so her journey

wherever she is going will be safe. I hope she has

lots of cats to play with.'

I couldn't help be thankful: thankful that she mewed her way into our home and hearts, but even more thankful that I have someone who understands how important that is.